Day 3

It’s official, my parents are sending me to Toronto despite me saying I don’t want to. I know it’s to be with my grandma and help take care of her, but going to a different country on my own will be terrifying. And yeah, I know I have to do this and conquer my fear, but also my anxiety is sky rocketing even though the trip isn’t until June.

I know I’ll be fine. I just don’t know what it’ll do to my mental health (as if it’s so healthy right now LOL). Since I’ll have to depend on WiFi and most places don’t have that, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate that I depend on my phone so much whenever I feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

I guess we’ll see what happens. If you never hear from me again it could probably mean I got lost in Toronto and never found my way back or I just forgot to update this blog. LOL. It’s most likely the latter! I’m just being dramatic!

 

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I am currently up at 5am and my brain won’t shut up. All these “could be”, “what if” scenarios keep popping into my mind and the worst part is…after it’s played, it’ll play again and again and again. It’s like a broken record. It’s like a child that needs to be heard over and over and over again where no matter how any times someone says “I understand” they still have to say the same thing until something happens.

I keep trying to fall back asleep, but the moment I close my eyes and think I’m dozing off, my mind attacks me with these issues. Sometimes I don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s exhausting.

Day 2

My parents keep on trying to push me to do things on my own. For example, my grandmother, who is 96 years old, she lives alone in Toronto. Of course she has a lot of family members there, but they’re all busy and can’t really make time for her as often as she’d like, plus a small visit isn’t really the same as someone staying there with her.

So, despite my parents asking me if I want to go to Toronto on my own and me saying no (since the choices are either yes or no), they’ve already decided that my answer is “yes” even if I say “no” and yikes! This is shooting my anxiety high into the sky. I’ve never really traveled anywhere on my own…okay, I did once in 2016, but I met up with friends there and I pretty much depended on them to take me around. On top of that, I’ll be in a different country where my phone won’t work and that freaks me out. I won’t be able to use my GPS, or call for help if I’m out, sure if I’m safe in my grandmother’s apartment I have WiFi, but when I’m out…that’s the part that’s terrifying me. Well, that and the fact I have to go through immigration alone and take a Taxi or something to my grandmother’s place from the airport and I don’t know.

I know in the end it’ll all be okay, but I’m just having a big freakin’ panic attack over this and honestly I keep saying how I would rather die than have to face something this big. I want to overcome this fear, but I’m just so scared! I don’t know what to do. When I was in therapy, my therapist told me “So what if you get lost? Now a days you have phones to help navigate you.” Which in hindsight is true, but it still freakin’ terrifies me.

On top of that, my parents are saying how I should go to Bali because there’s a job opportunity for me there, but like that’s on the other side of the world! I can’t even survive on my own living in my home country! Yet alone in my own state! Like…I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m going to be stuck in this mindset forever; I feel helpless!

“Be bold!” they tell me. “Face your fears!”, “You can do it!” “Conquer that fear!”, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” I hear all of these things, but it’s a lot easier said than done. You can’t just tell someone with anxiety to “not worry” because that’s literally all they can do! You can’t just shut it off or else everyone with anxiety would just…not have anxiety!

Yeah, I really should go back to therapy.

Day 1

I keep forgetting to document things on this blog so I’m going to start this as day 1 even though technically it’s been weeks since I posted that intro post. Oh well!

So, for a good while now I’ve been doing volunteer work at this place and even though I’ve been here four times now and I know what kind of work I’ll be doing I still get that nervous and anxious feeling. That feeling where my stomach starts doing flips, my heart starts pounding, and my mind keeps wishing I’ll get an email or call saying how today isn’t a good day to come in and it gets canceled.

This has been an issue with me ever since I was a little kid. Every morning when eating breakfast, I remember always telling my dad how I “didn’t want to go to school”. It wasn’t because I hated it or wanted to avoid something…well, sometimes it was for that reason, but for the most part it was because my anxiety was telling me not to go. It was telling me all the “what if” scenarios and how they could happen in oppose to COULD NOT happen. Even well into the middle of the school year where I not only still got to see old friends, but made new ones along the way, I would STILL get that feeling. Of course, once I was there I realized it wasn’t all that bad and soon forget that I was even feeling that way, but it gets really tiring and it makes me appear like a flake. Not only does this occur for things like school or volunteer work, but it happens when I make plans with friends. One moment I’m saying “SURE! Going to the mall with you sounds fun!” But the moment the day arrives or as it’s nearing, I freak out and just want to cancel at the last minute. Sometimes I do and give some excuse that sounds reasonable or I just outright tell them I’m having an anxiety attack and don’t feel like seeing them. But I also sometimes just meet up with them and realize it is all that bad; it really makes me wonder why I was nervous in the first place.

I understand “fear of the unknown” is a thing, but how does someone with extreme anxiety use that fear and turn it into something fun instead of something to run away from? I guess the main goal is to just get myself out the door to accomplish these things instead of allowing for my anxiety to win. Because even though it’s annoying to constantly feel this way over something like going to work or volunteering and it’s not necessarily a fear of the unknown issue anymore, it all comes down to actually doing the act instead of finding any reason to run away from it and actually running away from it.

I don’t know how to overcome this. I’ve tried getting myself excited where I tell myself “I get to help people” or “It’s good experience” in regards to my volunteer work, but I remember even in school when I was excited about a class because I got to see people, it always got competed by with anxiety where it was a mix of anxiety and excitement (super confusing to feel both, by the way!)

If there was something I learned that helped me with this when in therapy, it was that we need to reroute our brain, if you will, to make it want to do things without that feeling of anxiety. In other words, pretend we’re a car on a highway and we have a choice of two highways. One is leading towards volunteering and the other is leading towards staying home. Right now, my route is automatically set to “staying home” because it’s the default and it’s what makes me feel comfortable. What I want to do is change that to where the default slowly becomes “attending volunteer”. Sure, it may take a lot of work and effort, but I think it can happen. And sure, maybe I’ll never stop feeling anxious and wanting to “flake out” of things, but for me, I think the main goal is to at least get myself out the door to attend these things and as long as I can do that then everything will be okay!

 

Intro

I made this blog back when I was in community college because it was a part of my social media course where we were required to make a blog in order to post things and have the other students in our class comment their thoughts and opinions on whatever articles we posted about.

However, once that class ended, I kind of abandoned the blog and honestly I forgot all about it. So, here I am trying to bring this back mostly because I’ve been struggling with social anxiety and probably depression too and I always have found that sharing or even just typing out my thoughts as helpful for not only myself, but for many people going through similar things.

I’m only hoping that when other people read these posts, they will feel some sort of comfort and know they are not alone in going through this because I know when I find someone talking about the same issues I’m going through it really allows me to feel a connection and remind me that I’m not alone in this; especially when my thoughts are constantly telling me that I am alone.

So here goes.